From the Field
Pocket Change for Well-Being
How do you handle money after you've been married for a time and have kids? You consult, you try to "become fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other." Heather B. shares some insights into how her family makes it work.

Before I was married, there were a lot of things about managing money I hadn't yet figured out. I knew some basics - I had lived alone in an apartment during college, and later a full-time job in New York City on my own. I paid my taxes without help. But those basic experiences weren't necessarily enough to give me all the tools I would need - and am still acquiring - to put two and two together in a new marriage, managing our finances as a couple.

The task of building a life as a couple brings with it a myriad of challenges, and agreeing on best practices for finances is among the chief tasks. Doing it once doesn't fix it, either; it's a lifelong array of choices and conundrums. I recall one of my first snags when my husband assumed we would merge our bank accounts, and I assumed we would keep them separate. We merged, but for quite some time I was skeptical that this was a good idea.

Men and women may differ in their handling of material resources and related choices. Cultural practices also come into play, as well as whatever unique circumstances we bring with us from our childhood home environment. Dealing with money can bring out varying degrees of stress when we're single, let alone married—whether it's because there isn't enough, or because there's an abundance, and therefore a range of more complex choices. When money is tight, couples may argue over how to allocate precious resources. When money is flush, couples may argue over whose approach to saving or spending makes more sense— if they can even get to the point of recognizing that they have an approach in the first place, and open themselves up to learning someone else's way of handling things.

When my husband and I were considering what to do with a work bonus, we agreed on a kitchen renovation, which would bring a number of benefits. But our approaches to handling it were different: busy with raising children and working from home, I wanted the project completed quickly, and was willing to pay extra for it; being a hands- on, do-it-yourself kind of guy, my husband wanted to take on the work himself, on weekends, resulting in protracted completion. It's a challenge rife with potential conflict, with no clear right or wrong answer—just a range of choices and a limited pool of money that eventually goes away. Challenges like this can be like walking into a swamp when couples unpleasantly realize just how different their individual approaches to material resources can be.

One solution is to use the tool of Baha'i consultation. Set time to talk, and then calmly establish facts together after setting a reverent, spiritual tone with prayers. Identify the questions to answer, and which spiritual principles or concepts might apply. I find it helpful to write these down. Then freely share opinions, without owning them personally or dwelling too much on them, and gradually work toward a consensus and a final decision. Make a plan for follow-through: how will you make your decision a reality? This process is the bedrock of good decision-making for nearly any marital conflict, especially where money is concerned.

Such consultation takes an investment of time and a peaceful setting, and when kids enter a marriage, moments for lengthy talks can tend to disappear. With three children, we currently reserve time for consultation for very critical questions, and we narrow issues down in advance. For example, if one of us has an acute problem, or with respect to money, if there is a windfall or some emergency, or perhaps a major change related to our debt owed or a significant purchase, we request a consultation and perhaps set aside part of a weekend morning for it, or grab an opportunity if it suddenly arises.

To get by during such demanding times without frequent consultations, we have established agreed-upon routines to reduce stress and thinking that has to go into a decision. We check in once or twice a month regarding how the bill-paying is going and what events or tasks are on the family calendar in the coming weeks. We'll sometimes open bills together and see what needs to be done differently, if anything, but in general the role of account manager falls on one person's shoulders. All family members receive a weekly allowance, which we've crafted into our family budget (another necessity, which can be consulted on annually around tax time—the Fast is a great opportunity to do a personal financial assessment).

The children are instructed to set aside money into three categories, in amounts entirely of their own choosing: some into savings (a jar), some toward the Baha'i Fund (an envelope we save for them), and some for spending (into their wallets), for spontaneous use. We encourage them to consider what major item they want to save toward, so they can have a goal.

This plan works well for adults, too, on a bigger scale. When money arrives in the form of a bonus or a gift, we can try to allocate it fairly along these basic lines. Conflict arises when we're not sure which one of us should have the decision-making power—is a gift from our parents for one of us, or for both? If the family bread-winner earns a bonus, whose reward is it? Should it go toward necessities or luxuries—and how do you define them?

Consultation can distill tension around such questions, helping establish healthy parameters that respect the rights and wishes of individuals. Putting more energy toward such discussions helps open the door to new opportunities to practice spiritual qualities, such as generosity, detachment, patience, restraint and assertiveness. It also allows us opportunities to integrate our cultural backgrounds into the marriage. And always, our children are watching and learning.

Consultation time is relatively sacred in my marriage, because it is truly the seat of resolution of marital conflict. Making time for each other is also a constant thought, so we are not all business and fiscal responsibility. At the foundation is an attitude of service toward each other, and a recognition of material resources as merely symbolic, providing an opportunity for spiritual growth and learning.