Putting it into Practice
Money, Relationships and Marriage
Financial advice often overlooks the way that our relationships affect our interaction with money, and the way that money affects our relationships. Take marriage. Money takes on a different meaning in marriage. One marriage may collapse under not having enough. Another may fail because the money offered so much freedom that the people drifted apart. Rather, the way that a couple approaches money is far more important than the amount money itself. Cantwell C. shares some of what's he's learned with his wife, Desiree.

In the words of 'Abdu'l-Baha, "When relationship, union and concord exist between the two from a physical and spiritual standpoint, that is the real union, therefore everlasting. But if the union is merely from the physical point of view, unquestionably it is temporal and at the end separation is inevitable."* If we apply this quote to the subject of finances, the question then becomes: How does a couple establish "real union" from a financial standpoint? I can't answer that question fully, but this is what I've learned so far.

Neither one of us knew how to plan financially when my wife and I got married. As single people, we didn't need it. We also had such different experiences with money that planning in a unified fashion was going to be difficult. I had spent my last three years of college living independently in Wyoming on around $7,000/year. This included rent, food, clothing, student fees, books, and car insurance. During that time, keeping track of my finances was pretty simple. I never really had a budget or balanced my check book; I just always spent less than I had. In doing so, I learned to become stingy in the extreme. I inherited clothes instead of purchasing them, I ate small, I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 friends, and I learned car repair. Friends have looked at old pictures from that time and joked about how I looked like a shipwreck survivor. My beautiful bride-to-be, on the other hand, was regularly overdrafting her account. It seemed like every month, I would grimace as I helped her find the hidden overdraft fee or finance charge that had slipped into her bank statement. She wasn't a big spender, but she made mistakes, and banks like those kinds of mistakes.

When we got married, we added her to my account and transferred her funds over. I had taken out a student loan to make sure that we didn't run in to cash-flow problems, so we were okay. For a while. She was still finishing up school though, and even though we were living in the cheapest apartment we could find, our halcyon days were coming to an end. We started with a legal pad and paper clips. This became our cash journal and cash box. We'd consult and write down everything that we were going to spend money on we'd try to keep track of it. It wasn't much, but it was a start. Pretty quickly, I drew up a basic spreadsheet in Excel and started trying to keep track of our spending. I made sure that, every month, we would sit down and enter our expenses into the spreadsheet. Even though I was designing the spreadsheet, it was important that she understand what I was doing and why. And, every month, we have tried to improve it: we started linking cells together, averaging out perennial expenses into monthly ones, keeping track of the bank balance, carrying budgeted values forward from month to month, projecting saving months and years into the future, including the expense of interest on unpaid loans, and so on. It looks like a lot now, but it was simply the product of prayer, consultation, and persistence.

We had a great deal to learn. It seems like every month, we miss our projected earnings target. My wife had to learn to respect the limits that we set. I had to learn that life happens and sometimes you go over budget. More importantly, we still have more at the end of the month than we had at the beginning. The first time that she dented our car, I got so mad I could hardly breathe. My wife had to learn to treat our belongings gently. I had learn to realize that people's feelings will always be more precious than material belongings. I had never purchased my own clothing, yet my wife wanted to be able to go clothes shopping every month. She had to learn to cut back to once a season, and I had to learn to appreciate having clothing that actually fits. Now I just need to make sure that it keeps fitting. How things change. As to the Fund, I had to learn that the spirit of the contribution is more important than the quantity; that we sacrifice out of love for Baha'u'llah, and not as proof of faith. Baha'u'llah writes, "In spite of thy undeserving, I have singled thee out for My richest, My incalculable favors."** Regular, prayerful, contributions to the Fund constitute a bounty unto themselves, and not an attempt at repayment.

Through all this, my wife and I have tried to plan together. The stability that financial planning brings is nice, but that's the least of it. Far more precious is the faith that we have that our marriage can survive riches and poverty, the unity of thought concerning money and how we spend it, the confidence that we have in the decision-making capacity of the other, and our mutual reliance to maintain our books. Just as everyone else gets to dispense advice, so do I. As in anything else, the important thing is to make a beginning. Any family, any marriage, can do this much. After that, let your budget, your ACS donation amount, your cash journal, your balance sheet, your stock portfolio, your statement of owners equity - let that be the organic product of your marriage and consultation. Thus will the joy and strength of your marriage be assured. And the occasional fancy dinner.

*Baha'i World Faith, p. 373

**Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 322

Comments

[Aaron Karns]

Very beautiful and honest. It's good to hear from real people in the Baha'i community who have had financial struggles and have overcome through applying the Baha'i principles. I

[Jon Aflatooni]

Very practical examples of how to make it work!

[Maya]

I love your page, its so beautiful!

[Noshene]

What a wonderful story for us to learn from. May you always be showered by Baha'u'llah's blessings.

[Vijay]

Amazing priorities about married life(esp. the last few lines). Thanks for sharing. Wish you a happy, loving, wise and healthy married life.

[Wai p.]

Alla'u'Abha, its really a nice experience to be read. though i haven't got married yet but someday its a path that i have to take also. haha. wish your family stay happy always.

[Kolya]

Thanks for sharing

[Sarah R.]

Thanks for the great article, Kit! Hope that you all are doing well!