From the Field
Marriage & Money: From Tension to Tranquility
Money can be a source of tranquility in a marriage. We just need to approach it in the right way. In this piece Nura M., a marriage and family therapist, gleans some invaluable nuggets from her experience on how to move from tension to tranquility.

Money. Finances. Debt. You may find your heart rate shooting up just by reading these three simple words. Your palms may begin to sweat, beads of perspiration may begin to form on your forehead, and you might even be a little short of breath. If so, you are not alone: The reality is that finances are a regular source of stress for the average person and the average marriage. Research shows that finances strain marriages more often than many of life’s tests, and many marriages which fail often rightfully place a great deal of blame on financial issues and how they're dealt with. Here are a few suggestions to help couples, whether celebrating their 1st or their 10th anniversary, navigate through these tricky waters, so that finances may go from being a shaky place of tension to being a calmer place of peace and harmony.

Establish and Honor Common Ground
As a couple, decide how exactly the money will be spent.

• How will you keep track of it?

• What is defined as “necessity” and what is not?   

• What would motivate you or your spouse to help you honor your agreement?

• Do either of you have individual weaknesses which could be offset by your spouse?

Setting financial ground rules – and sticking to them – is vital to maintaining good financial rapport with one another. Not honoring your agreement could be the catalyst for larger issues, such as trust and respect. Ensuring that you are both on the same page creates a foundation for dependability, and honoring your mutual understanding fosters harmony and comfort.

"...Cause them to become the signs of harmony and unity until the end of time...."

                                           Abdu'l-Baha

Encourage Communication
Although this may seem like an overly simple concept, it has many facets. Communication does not merely involve speaking with one another – it has to do with learning the art of speaking tactfully, with wisdom, and with the other person’s feelings in mind.

• Communication styles vary – are you able to understand one another’s language? What could you say or do so that the other person feels heard and understood?

• Does each partner feel safe to communicate? Can each person be confident that his or her questions and concerns can be expressed without being met with judgment, frustration, or ridicule? What does one partner need to see from the other in order to feel safe?

• Would it be productive to express the thoughts you are having? Is your verbal interaction working towards unity and understanding, or are you speaking solely out of anger or accusation?

Discussing finances is a particularly sensitive subject which requires patience and tact. Communication is something which too often we take for granted, assuming that it should just happen naturally and smoothly; however, the reality of it is that effective communication is something which is learned, fostered, and perfected with practice. It is also helpful to remember that the dynamics which make up effective communication vary from couple to couple.   

"O Lord! Assist them in this Thy world and Thy kingdom and destine for them every good through Thy bounty and grace...."

                                          'Abdu'l-Baha

Be Willing to Learn From the Other Person
The purpose of communication is not simply to be heard – it is equally for the purpose of hearing and learning. Here are a few things to keep in mind when listening to your partner:

• If I were in his/her shoes, how would I be viewing the situation?

• What is she/he saying which will add to my limited view of the scenario?

• How can I present my knowledge and individual experience in a way which will be beneficial to the situation?

It is essential to keep in mind that each and every individual situation could present an opportunity for additional growth. Always remember that the other person has an equally valid perspective to contribute, and that, in the words of 'Abdu'l-Baha, “the shining spark of truth cometh forth only after the clash of differing opinions”.*

Taking a sensitive issue like finances and turning it into an opportunity for growth may seem difficult and almost impossible. Nevertheless, it is through jumping over these hurdles in life that we build our strength both as individuals and as a couple. You may stumble a bit at first, you may not clear every hurdle with grace and ease, but with practice each jump becomes smoother and smoother.

Selections taken from Baha'i Prayers

*Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 87

 

Comments

[Anisa]

Free advice from a PhD! Thanks Nura! We'll be sure to read over this together before we talk about money next time. :)