From the Field
5 Things to Talk About Before Marriage
'Abdu'l-Baha wrote that, "Baha'i marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain to everlasting life...."*

Nevin and Mercy J. from Ohio, newly married, share some questions that helped them become acquainted with each other's character.

Finances

Once you marry, all your attitudes and behaviors regarding money, both in terms of how you've spent your money before finding each other and how you plan to spend your money, will come into contact. The time to begin that process is now.

1. How do you approach spending/saving money? Where are you and where do you want to be?
2. Who will pay the bills?
3. Talk about your debt since you'll be merging that too. Try to pull a credit report for each of you and talk about how you'll manage any debt you might have.
4. How much should be contributed to the Baha'i Funds and how often (this is useful question to talk through whether you and your prospective spouse are both Baha'is or just one is)?
5. What does saving and investing look like to you?
6. What is your lifestyle like if you have little money compared to if you have an excess amount of money in the bank?

Spiritual Life

1. When married, how often should you pray individually and as a family?
2. What does it mean to you to lead a spiritual life? How does your potential spouse fit into that picture?
3. What does participation in your religious community look like to you?
4. What values do you want your children to grow up with?

Your Past

1. Can you forgive people in your past?
2. What kind of boundaries are needed with past acquaintances?
3. What kind of information do you want to know about the past relationships of your potential spouse?

Love Languages

Love languages are the way we we express love to each other, and we learn these languages from our families, culture, and faith communities/backgrounds. Even if a couple speaks the same language, they may not speak quite the same love language.

1. How do you and your potential spouse express love? Gifts? Hugs? Doing the dishes? Surprises?

Balance and Organization

1. How do you balance and organize time in your life? What are your priorities?  Spending time with friends? Staying in vs. going out? Volunteering? Core activities?
2. Is your partner willing to learn how to balance when being asked by you to do so?
3. Visit people's houses. Ask them how they stay organized as a couple and, possibly, as Baha'is. Ask them if and how they define roles and responsibilities and talk with your potential spouse about what that would look for you.
4. What does it mean to each of you to have a 'clean' or 'orderly' house?

All of these questions should be asked with the intent of understanding the other party. Everyone has been raised differently, has different expectations of a spouse, and a different perception of the answers to the questions above. It's important to always respect the other person's point of view, as well as to figure out how 'Abdu'l-Baha's example can influence and improve your individual and married life. When the other person shares, ask yourself, 'Can I handle this?" No one is going to change because we will it too, and it's important to know before you get married if, in addition to loving your potential spouse, you're ready and able to build a life and marriage together.

*Baha'i Prayers, p. 103

Comments

[Christiana Hanson]

This is really a very good thing that you have done. I must confess that alot of people make mistake in their marraiages because the hadn't much knowledge about their spouse. This is very nice . Pls keep up the good job and Baha-U-llah will bless you.

[Noshene]

Wow! It's so nice to see that when there is spiritual union, people can be so creative at making things work smoothly through the power of love and consultation. Thank you!

[Mark]

I find it interesting, challenging and enlightening that, as my wife and I have evolved in our now 14-year marriage, I am primarily a housedad with a bit of a home-based business and my wife has a position as a technology director that brings in the vast majority of our household income. This is a challenge for me because in the role model that I grew up with, my father was the one to "go to work", as a lawyer, and, even though my mother worked as well, she still found herself responsible for much of the housework. My wife and I have a good balance of the housework and money-handling, although I'm sure I could do more, generally speaking. It is true, what Baha'u'llah says in the Tablet of Tarazat, that when a person reaches the age of maturity he or she stands in need of wealth. My wife and I brought complimentary attitudes toward spending and saving to our marriage. I tend to be "liberal" with money and she tends to be the saver. These days, she pays all the bills and we have just one credit account, in her name--the rest of our expenses we just debit or pay cash/check, or, go without. Owning a home is a big part of our lives together, but not every couple, especially ones in more urban areas, may wish to own--renting, especially at first, can be a viable alternative. In any case, if it seems that I am rambling, I just thought that perhaps I'd offer that the "moral of the story" to me, after fourteen years, is that I hardly forsaw the ways things would be--the way things are now for us--when we started out. And, definitely, there are external factors that influence a relationship. And I haven't even mentioned children. In any case, the column to which I'm replying contains really good pointers and advice. Keep on!

[Vijay]

A very good idea and suggestion. It is practical and valuable points to be noted in a ever growing world. Since our parents times in 40s and 50s we have adapted to a lot of things like New clothes, technology, etc. Little did we know a vital aspect of our life(family life, and finances) have changed as well.

Keep it up with the Posts. :-)

[Anisa]

If only I'd read this before I got married and was prepared with all the specific details. Oh, the headaches that could have been avoided!